These paragraphs feel like a wild ride indeed and her experience of people either getting it, this idea of a knowing beyond our intellect, or not getting it is a true statement. For some people, Roberts’ words may seem no more than an unsolvable riddle and for others, who may be interested in such riddles, the obtuseness of a knowing that knows is difficult to apprehend. Frankly, in sitting with these words I am wondering what I could write or add to what she has already said that would make any sense at all.

So what am I understanding her to be saying? There are a couple of things that come to mind. First, we can not insist, grasp, or intellectualize our way to this This. The second is implied, but given there are many mystics, masters, and teachers who write about revelatory things from a place of certainty than there must be a path we can traverse in order to come in contact with such “knowing.” Such a path seems to open us to both a new way of “knowing” and the “knowing” itself; the This. There are, of course, many paths and practices, but as Jim Finley says, “once you find your path, practice it.”  A.H. Almaas would say “worship it.”

The question you may ask is how does one build such a capacity? One way is through practices, meditative and inquiry practices for instance, but also through trial and error. There is no better way to find the truth than blunder upon it. Our society doesn’t reward or recognize such a method, but trial and error takes a certain fortitude and courage that is particularly underrated by today’s standards. There is a certain joy in trial and error, even a certain playfulness. Jesus said we must be like children, who seem impervious to results. May you be full of joy today!

I love this paragraph because of its hominess and messiness, which depicts so well what happens within the confines of our ordinary lives. Just like Roberts, we often have a certain something in mind that feels like a direction in which we are moving only to find that pieces of what we wanted to do are just not going to be possible. We must stop, take stock, pivot, and then carry on. I do not sense from her any frustration or disappointment with this (common) development, but instead a mature ability to pivot her essay in a direction that still meets the need of what she is trying to convey. 

We find today in Roberts’ text a final word on integration, of which I would call surrender. She has said it in many ways, not just through this subsection, but throughout her text, that the mind alone can not understand the Mystery that is at work in our soul. In my experience there is a sort of relinquishment of the reins (surrender) when the mind can’t understand what is happening at the soul level. She has also said in various ways that this “mind” or “intellectualizing” is a pitfall that comes easy to us. We will be tempted to do it therefore we must learn another way to move forward. 

From this recap we can understand why “bookish knowledge of the journey” will not suffice. It ties back to the “two different modes of human knowing” that were laid out earlier in her text. She classified these modes of knowing as “thought and experience” and it is her position that these ways of knowing are of “two totally different dimensions.” Roberts’ “this” then refers to the human propensity to miss the mark, the inclination to stay on the surface of things where we feel we have control over the outcome of things. Not to trivialize the surface, but there is a whole lot more under the surface of almost everything.

I have discovered that the stair-step movement, both vertical and horizontal as Roberts says, takes a radically intentional and attuned life. We’ve talked before about the need for practices and community that can ground you into such radicality. Even with practices and community I often feel helpless in my inability to sustain such a dedicated life and when my propensity to scatter myself arises, I can recognize the disservice to myself and also to that which beckons me. Being an Enneagram Nine I recognize the strong habit of mind towards disengagement and the egoic patterning of keeping everything at distance. A great sadness can arise in me when I ponder this habit as I realize I not only keep the world at a distance but the Mystery as well.

Today I am more comfortable with the unknown place. Those liminal spaces we must stand in before we cross over into the next thing. Love has not let me down nor disappointed, and even with more ease, curiosity, and comfort in the Mysterious unknown, Roberts’ words invite a continued pressing into those uncomfortable places where Mystery leads me forward. Her words encourage me to surrender so that the Mysterious integration may be worked in me. May it be so.

But before we get started the first thing I notice is that she seems to be saying two things that do not jive. First she says “that integrating these revelations is not within our own power.” Then she says that we should ask questions such as how does a revelation “fit in with all that went before?” and “how are we to account for these different revelations?” She also implies that we “ponder our relationship” to them, meaning the revelations and their relevance to our life. If it is not in my power to integrate the revelations why is she implying we take hold of them and make sense of them? I honestly don’t know the answer to this question except to say that it seems to be a part of the journey. While we may not be the ones actually doing the integrating, it is some hidden and secret work, we are responsible for aligning ourselves to that which is new.

The frailty of my humanness is often on display. There is no judgement here, just a recognition that following a pathless path takes time and determination. Perhaps one day I’ll be able to look back and say, “oh, there’s the path.” For today I just practice noticing how aligned I am with those practices and priorities I have set forth to travel this path of Love and enjoy the small knowing that all will be well in the end.  

Image taken by Kim de Beus of Mark Steven Greenfield’s glass mosaic, “Red Car Requiem,” in the new Historic Broadway Station. Metro’s Regional Connector.

In thinking about change another point comes to mind and that is that there are also many aspects of ourselves that don’t change over time. Over the years I’ve noticed my rigidity, an entrenchment in what I believe to be true. Another way to express this sentiment is that I have come to realize that I have a certain attachment to an identification of myself. You know what I speak of, that self that responds and/or reacts the same way over and over again. I now understand that those rigid ways of being may have served me in the past but no longer serve the loving adult I wish to be today. In order to drop these identifications an honest introspective work is needed. Questions like, “why do I keep falling into the same hole or why do these patterns of fear, anger, or shame continue to grip me?” need to be compassionately wrestled with.