From this recap we can understand why “bookish knowledge of the journey” will not suffice. It ties back to the “two different modes of human knowing” that were laid out earlier in her text. She classified these modes of knowing as “thought and experience” and it is her position that these ways of knowing are of “two totally different dimensions.” Roberts’ “this” then refers to the human propensity to miss the mark, the inclination to stay on the surface of things where we feel we have control over the outcome of things. Not to trivialize the surface, but there is a whole lot more under the surface of almost everything.

I have discovered that the stair-step movement, both vertical and horizontal as Roberts says, takes a radically intentional and attuned life. We’ve talked before about the need for practices and community that can ground you into such radicality. Even with practices and community I often feel helpless in my inability to sustain such a dedicated life and when my propensity to scatter myself arises, I can recognize the disservice to myself and also to that which beckons me. Being an Enneagram Nine I recognize the strong habit of mind towards disengagement and the egoic patterning of keeping everything at distance. A great sadness can arise in me when I ponder this habit as I realize I not only keep the world at a distance but the Mystery as well.

Today I am more comfortable with the unknown place. Those liminal spaces we must stand in before we cross over into the next thing. Love has not let me down nor disappointed, and even with more ease, curiosity, and comfort in the Mysterious unknown, Roberts’ words invite a continued pressing into those uncomfortable places where Mystery leads me forward. Her words encourage me to surrender so that the Mysterious integration may be worked in me. May it be so.

But before we get started the first thing I notice is that she seems to be saying two things that do not jive. First she says “that integrating these revelations is not within our own power.” Then she says that we should ask questions such as how does a revelation “fit in with all that went before?” and “how are we to account for these different revelations?” She also implies that we “ponder our relationship” to them, meaning the revelations and their relevance to our life. If it is not in my power to integrate the revelations why is she implying we take hold of them and make sense of them? I honestly don’t know the answer to this question except to say that it seems to be a part of the journey. While we may not be the ones actually doing the integrating, it is some hidden and secret work, we are responsible for aligning ourselves to that which is new.

The frailty of my humanness is often on display. There is no judgement here, just a recognition that following a pathless path takes time and determination. Perhaps one day I’ll be able to look back and say, “oh, there’s the path.” For today I just practice noticing how aligned I am with those practices and priorities I have set forth to travel this path of Love and enjoy the small knowing that all will be well in the end.  

Image taken by Kim de Beus of Mark Steven Greenfield’s glass mosaic, “Red Car Requiem,” in the new Historic Broadway Station. Metro’s Regional Connector.

In thinking about change another point comes to mind and that is that there are also many aspects of ourselves that don’t change over time. Over the years I’ve noticed my rigidity, an entrenchment in what I believe to be true. Another way to express this sentiment is that I have come to realize that I have a certain attachment to an identification of myself. You know what I speak of, that self that responds and/or reacts the same way over and over again. I now understand that those rigid ways of being may have served me in the past but no longer serve the loving adult I wish to be today. In order to drop these identifications an honest introspective work is needed. Questions like, “why do I keep falling into the same hole or why do these patterns of fear, anger, or shame continue to grip me?” need to be compassionately wrestled with.  

What does intentional living look like? Well, there are many forms of intentional living, but let’s keep in mind that we are exploring intentional living with regards to repairing our “eye” or healing the brokenness within. So how do I apply repairing and healing intentionally to my life in order to bear more receptivity? At its simplest it is to practice presence, to stay in touch with that stillpoint within as I move throughout the day. If I come across a situation that takes me away from that stillpoint then some form of inner work is needed. This may be work that I do on my own through journaling, conversing with a trusted friend, or it may be sitting with a professional (therapist, coach, spiritual director) to unpack what is being activated in me.

At the end of the day I believe that is the invitation for me here, to just be where I am. It sounds so simple, I mean I can't really be anywhere else yet my thoughts often go to the future or the past, anywhere but right here. So, I light my candle, do my sit, and just allow the life that is here to inform and unfold me. Can I trust that all that is needed for growth is present, that the correct variables are interacting? Can I be grateful for the simplicity of the moment and the gentleness of the unfolding? It is a work in progress, but for today I will simply breathe and allow.

At the end of the day, while I am not sure why Roberts decried the religious historians I definitely identify with her synopsis making things up to fit a scenario. I find it difficult to lean into a difficult situation, to admit I just don’t understand, or that I can’t figure something out. It is a real act of faith to trust that if I fully accept this moment exactly as it is that I will learn more in a moment than I could ever figure out with years of mental machinations. Here’s to breathing with each moment and learning to bear what is right in front of me. 

Wow, this really reflects the generous, kind spirit that Jesus was in touch with. I honestly believe that anyone who responded in Love would be recognized by Jesus as for him, even if they were not in his tribe. And not to lean political here, but it would seem if more of us could insert genuine generosity, kindness and love into our hearts our actions would produce very different results. We would forbear one another as I Cor. 13 4 - 7 teaches us. 

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

At the end of the day this is how I understand this text, that it has to do with Love. Both from our end in being open to receive from Mystery and also that Mystery is willing to reveal itself to us.

What these words ask of me is to stay true to my one path. It has taken time to apprehend what this path is and what it looks like in the context of my life. The mystics mentioned above provide  you a sense of my path. Your path may look different, and that is as it should be, as the path is located in the context of your life. My path, at least at this time, is akin to Meister Eckhart’s living without a why or walking the darkness in the Cloud of Unknowing. It is a path of negation, of patience and attunement, of welcoming all of myself to each moment. It is a slow path where intentionality pays off.